Pony Rant

So as I’m sure you’ve noticed I posted a few pictures of Earnhardt, the thoroughbred gelding I’ve been hired to train (as well as lesson his owner when she has time). I just need to express how HAPPY I am with him and how I love just reminding people how use of proper speed, leg, and rein can really make all the difference.

The pictures I just posted are probably my…. 4th or 5th? ride on Earnhardt. I haven’t ridden a horse for the better part of 3 years and he has never been properly schooled for more than just very basic aids (and of course the training a racehorse receives as he is an OTTB).

In just those few short rides I have lightened him in the bridle, helped him start allowing himself to stretch into his frame- you guys should of seen the giraffe/anxiety ridden/refuse to bend or even give-to-the-bit-at-all-mess he was just a month ago. He is the kind of horse who really requires his rider to be direct and decisive in what they are asking and to not back down when he has a bit of a tantrum. He has major anxiety when it comes to picking up his left lead (though picks it up beautifully on the lunge line) so that and transitions are going to be his bug-a-boo “problem” that we will be working on.

I can not even begin to tell you how excited I am to get this horse some muscle and really start progressing him along the basics of Dressage. I am dying to see the day that he has a more firm, athletic, build, and a real aptitude for what I’m asking of him. He’s got a lot of talent and I’m blessed to be the one tasked with unlocking it.

I think

People’s longest relationships tend to be in their mid to late teen years because it doesn’t really matter so much then. So many people I know, have dated, and even myself had their “longest” relationships between the ages of 15-20. Why? Why does it seem like after all those years something changes and we become broken?

We don’t become broken, unlovable, or different. The truth is when you’re that young it doesn’t matter how long you’re dating that person, because in the back of your mind (maybe even your subconscious) you know it will eventually end. We’re too young in those years and too fresh to really hold onto something for the multitude ofdecades, almost a century, to come. Life has yet to be lived.

It’s so easy, so safe, to hold onto someone when you’re so young and naive. Of course we don’t view ourselves that way at the time- the world is big and important and you’re just as much an adult as your parents in your mind in those years! Heck you could get married, have a baby, it will all work out perfect! Isn’t that what we all told ourselves? I know I did. 

But then a fight happens, or you just grow bored, and it’s over. It leaves a lot of emotional scaring, and maybe it lags on for a few more years, but it’s over and you are off in search for bigger and better things- or rather, the person who completes you.Some of us aren’t so lucky- some become damaged and bitter. Those who seem to of cared the least often had been hurt the most (or so they feel they have).

Then one day we are lucky because on that faithful day that we weren’t looking someone better enters our life. Someone we fight with all the time, someone who makes having a relationship hard, but worth it. It doesn’t feel hard, well… sometimes it does, sometimes it feels like everything is crashing down. Yet you know in your heart that it is still so much better than it ever was with someone before, that it is harder for a reason, you talk longer for a reason, listen more for a reason, cry more for a reason.

You find your soulmate when you aren’t looking, months turn into years, years turn into decades, and life was surely worth living.

You never would of thought life would be worth living after that first “love” the one who stuck around in the early years, the one who damaged you, loved you, shaped you. You forget them some day, only to be a whisper in your memory.

I guess all I’m saying is don’t take things so seriously when you’re young and be grateful for what you ended up holding onto when you’re old.

Weird shit keeps happening today

• First I couldn’t sleep all night, I kept tossing and turning from bad dreams.
• First thing this morning while my girlfriend was getting ready, when she came to kiss me goodbye, all my makeup in the bathroom fell off the top shelf and busted up my most used stuff.
• My girlfriend texts/calls me that she has bad news about some financial stuff
• Now i’m sitting in the kitchen, doing some tumbling before I start dishes, and a cup out of nowhere explodes in the sink. Legit explodes out of nowhere.

What the fuck is today? Oh and did I mention its pouring rain all day?

Can someone please tell me why people keep putting “Same Sex Marriage” and “legalize marijuana” in the same category?

I’m sorry but we’re talking equal rights vs recreational activity. They aren’t even in the same league.

Life update

I haven’t sat down and written about my life in a while, and I figured while I’m trying to waste time, I might as well get some thoughts out of my head, and on some digital-paper.

So life has been- without a doubt- great these days. I’m on my last few weeks of school, looking for apartments with Melissa, Cherry (my dog) has been much more behaved, my mom has been less clingy, and my relationship with Melissa is maturing like a fine wine.

So, I guess I’ll start off by talking about school since I rarely do. I’m dropping out of school because honestly? I don’t see the point. I wasalreadyout of college for just about 3 years when I decided to go back, 2 years of college already in my back pocket, and thought “hey, this might be a way to improve my life!”.Wrong.

First off I’m in a “certificate” program, not a degree, so the final result of a years worth of work wouldn’t really look so wonderful to a potential employer nor has my coursework been teaching me the exact skills I’d be needing to succeed; more like an outline of things I might be interested to lookfurther into formore school.

Secondly, going to college again has done nothing but hold me back from the ability to work a job. No one wants to hire someone with as ridiculous of a schedule as mine. I can’t work every weekend because every other weekend I’m in RI and I’m not willing to sacrifice my relationship for a job at, say, walmart- my area is extremely dead and has almost no industry for a non professional individual that isn’t Walmart, Fast food, or working with the mentally handicapped. I’m almost 23 years old-I need to be making money. The schedule I made for next semester would of been even worse (4 days a week VS 2) I don’t like the idea that by being in school again people somehow view me as unfinished or just exploring my life options. I am a very proud individual and when people started saying “oh well it’s okay, you’re in college” my brain put on a hugeNO GOsign.

Lastly, I had a discussion with my Adviser and he even agreed with me that getting the EF out of this county was better than another 9 months of essentially putting my life on hold. The fact that again I’m in a certificate program, not a degree, really is only a tiny step higher than having “some college” on a resume. Don’t get me wrong I’m a good, A average student in all my courses, I dominate my tests and on paper I look amazing. Honestly though? I’m sosick of the “busy work” college has you do. Homework? Essays? Projects? No, no, no. Especially when they only graze over the actual work that I should be learning. It isn’t okay, in my books, to be taking up my time with useless crapno one will care about. It proves nothing to no one.

So what was next on my list…. Oh! Looking for apartments with Melissa! Which also talks about my relationship <3 <3. Things between us are great, seriously. We’ve come to a point in our relationship where we do argue a decent amount, but we argue about important things and at the end of every argument we haveworked the issue out. How many people can say that at the end of every issue, big or small, they feel resolved, heard, and bettered by the conversation? I can. To me that isessential in any relationship and the biggest factor that was missing from my “past”. Every couple fights, every relationship has problems. If you don’t accept that fact you are either delusional or in a shitty, surface based, pathetic relationship. Acceptance that triumph comes only after adversity is essential in putting down a concrete foundation for a happy and healthy life with your partner (man or woman).

Yes fighting is tiring and I hate that sometimes it seems like we argue daily about thesametopic over and over but at the end of the day, especially recently, we’re only asking of each other to eliminate the things within ourselves that are hurting ourselves.I hate seeing my girlfriend beat herself up about something small, or get so stressed out about something that she totally closes off to the happiness around her that are still there shining brightly. She hates when I just get so fierce and so closed off at the snap of a finger because i’m protecting myself. We only want thechangethat will get rid of inner turmoil and pain- I don’t want the love of my life doubting that she isthe most amazing person I have ever met in my lifebecauseof her imperfections.

So we have decided that after dating for 5 months, 6 months in June, we want to live together. There are so many reasons and I will write another long post about it, but it’s the right choice for both of us. Between the two of us, once I get a job in Rhode Island, we can afford a half decent place and still be putting money away and towards other bills once put on the back burner. I can move to an area of growth and not be held back by my own towns poverty. There is so muchfuturefor me in moving that I don’t see the point in putting it off. My relationship is strong enough, this wont break us, it will only better us.

Thanks for reading, I need to go shower! Haha. Love you all <3

Back to “work” today

First time in 6 months. I work for a seasonal hotel… I was hoping to find a different job by now but that is proving difficult. This place is literally falling apart (condemnable no joke), full of mold, run by dodgy people, has the worst guests, oh and doesnt give real breaks for people who have been working for 8-12 hours. 

I just hope i can get through this weekend to resume my normal job hunt. I wish my schedule wasn’t so wonky that I COULD find a normal job. Ugh.

Happy Rant: You know you have the best girlfriend when…

I just have to write this because in all seriousness Melissa has been the biggest blessing to my life ever.

In the short (yet somehow timeless) 2 months that I’ve known this woman she has gone above and beyond any expectations I’ve had for “the one” and just honestly brought out the best in me. Every moment I spend with her- be it virtual, or physically- has just filled my heart with this harmonious, spectacular, happiness; I feel fulfilled whenever I’m “with” her.

I know in my heart, soul, and even my mind (the logical part of me) that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with Melissa. No question about it and honestly all the “nay sayers” and skeptics can bitch, contradict, and question us all they want. She’s. Going. To. Be. My. Wife. Period. You can either be my friend and embrace how I feel or you can keep walking because in all honestly I don’t need any skepticism or negativity considering the life I’ve lead leading up to this point in my life. I know that she is “the one” for me because of my past experiences, because of the trials and tribulations I’ve gone through and the heartbreak I’ve felt so severely.

Anyone who thinks I haven’t spent countless hours analyzing and questioning myself on this very fact obviously seriously underestimates my integrity. Why would I ever set myself up to fail the way I have before? Why would I ever be saying any of this so brashly if I had even a sliver of doubt.

I was happy alone, I was happy living my life pursuing my own goals under the assumption it would take years for me to find a person I’d want to marry again (if ever) and share my life with. I am 100% comfortable with who I am as a human being and confident in the path my future is taking me.

And I still found a person who makes me feel better than I did even then. She brings out the best in me- she makes me a better me than I ever imagined possible and she never asks for any of it.

We encourage and enhance the positive attributes of each other. I have never wanted to encourage someone the way I do with her- I’m proud of her. No jealousy, no feeling like i’m falling short of what I could be for her. I just want to see her succeed in life and help her achieve all of her goals. Best of all? She does the same for me: No doubts about it at all.

Melissa is the first person in my life who I have ever been able to allow to really tell me all the insecurities they see that I have and not try and defend myself or retaliate. I allow myself to see my flaws when it comes out of her mouth and I accept that she loves me for them. And only asks for ‘change’ that would better myself for myself. She has no agenda when it comes to me.

Example of how amazing she is to me:

Today I have my period. It doesn’t hurt but I’ve been losing a lot of blood. The moment she knew I was in pain and having dizzy spells? Instead of making me type of AIM with her she offered to go on skype just so we could be chill together. I spent the whole morning and early afternoon just being lazy on skype with her while she did what she needed to do. I felt so loved and supported. Especially because I know for a fact I am not easy to tolerate when I’m hormonal and uncomfortable.

She doesn’t have anxiety nor has she ever lived with suicidal depression yet she lets me discuss my own. She wants to help me through those things not throw me to the wolves and say that i’m a crazy bitch (how everyone else in my past has made me feel). She has heard my horror stories- some things I have never told another living soul (especially not in the detail i’ve told her). She still loves me for it. The things I’ve layed on her? The things i’ve opened up about with her? These are not normal things you tell someone you’ve only known for 2 months.

That’s why I know she’s my soulmate. That’s why I know she’s “the one” and my future wife. That’s why I have openly told her I want her to be in my future. That’s why we’ve discussed the things we have.

I can not remember my life before her. It is like waking up from a dream and stepping into reality, or maybe the other way around, to finally see the light again. I can not picture my future without her.

These are my feelings; this is a fraction of the words I have for why I feel the way I do and am confident in my relationship. This is why I can honestly say compared to 99% of the relationships going on right now? I know mine is equal if not better mostly better.

Accept me for how I feel or leave me to live my life. My girlfriend isn’t going anywhere.

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Things I think tumblr people should stop doing:

Comparing Facebook to Tumblr.

Bitching about facebook.

Here’s the thing: facebook is a completely different website than tumblr. It’s a social exchange. That being said however you have FULL control over:

• The people you’re ‘friends’ with
• What part of their profile you ‘subscribe’ to
• You can ‘hide’ things if you don’t want to see/read it.
• You can block people.

So tell me something- if you HATE facebook or hate the ‘dumb bitches/whores/etc’ of facebook why the the hell are you even friends with them on there? If they are annoying you remove the issue. If they have a problem with it (which I doubt they’d even notice because its an out of sight/out of mind type website) then take it up with them in person. Explain to them you just were being more selective. Or hey, here is an idea, be truthful and tell them that you just didn’t feel like knowing their life story.

The thing is guys it’s THEIR facebook. They are completely allowed to gush/bitch/rant/add photos/whatever to their profile because again it’s THEIR choice. Their personal piece of internet to share with people. Everyone has the same exact ability if they don’t like it.

I hate coming on TUMBLR and seeing people bitch about facebook. I hate even worse people comparing Facebook to tumblr.

If you don’t like facebook delete yours. Back all your pictures up on an external and just- poof! Go away. Or stop fucking complaining. It just shows how immature you really are that you can’t ignore or remove a problem from your virtual life.