personal

maybe writing this out will make me feel better since I can’t seem to shake this wretched feeling now.

I feel like such a failure. I really and truly do. I realized I slipped into a habit that I’ve struggled with since my early teenage years and I was so utterly blindsided by it this time. Allowing myself to not only fail at my goal at doing something ‘the healthy way’ but to be so fucking blind to it? It’s killing me. I’ll fix it, I have to. As much as I love the feeling it was giving me I can not allow myself to be that person- especially if I want a family one day. I know all the negative risks, I’m not naive to it. Yet I find myself falling into old patterns.

Well I guess that means this is just the beginning to step one of recovery yet again. God, why can’t I ever just be normal? Do things like a normal person? Stick to things and accomplish my goals like a normal fucking human being. That would be so nice.

What’s worse? I was acting out against the one person I care for most about in this world. Imbalanced so that I was being harsh, snappy, rude. How fucking dare I? Today of all days!!! Today, the day I should of been sending her happy thoughts to ease her mind of the already stressful day. Instead I unload on her one of the worst attributes of myself in full fucking horrifying glory. God, the fact that she still wants to talk to me blows my mind.

I’m worried I damaged things with her beyond repair. Set something negative in motion that will eventually cause her to hate me or fear me for my problems. I wouldn’t blame her if she ran away, but it hurts to think about. All I want is to be perfect for her. I know i’m a very imperfect person but I really did think I was strong enough to not allow past issues to resurface. I feel so ungodly immature right now.

I’m terrified right now. It hurts so bad to be this scared again. Not of myself, no- I can deal with that-, but of how damaging my actions could be to someone I was hoping I could keep around. Maybe i’m being irrational, but fuck… I’m such a fucking fuck up.

I’m so sorry.

I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could of silently fixed things while sending you love.

I’m so, so sorry.